Many question why at one point in time they were always “hot and bothered” and now the “sizzle” has gone, or wonder if they were born asexual due to never feeling the urge to put out any “fires” inside. Regardless if your desire has simmered or has yet to be sparked here are a few techniques to help you increase your sexual desire. Below is my ASK and TELL model for increasing your sexual desire, and maybe even a couple of other desires inside of you.
A: Appreciate your body. Too often we let the insecurities of our physical appearance get in the way of our personal pleasure. Your body serves you every day and deserves regular love and affection for all the hard work it does to protect and please you. If you are able to feel sensations within your skin, then you should be able to love and cherish every crevice of who you are. Beauty starts with loving yourself first, and if you don’t love the skin you are in no one else will be able to give you the feeling of security you are lacking inside.
I recommend looking in the mirror nude or with lingerie/boxers on daily, and model your best poses while telling yourself how fabulous you are. You need to know that you are fabulous for just being you. Trust me when I tell you people are naturally attracted to those that love themselves, and no amount of cosmetics can create that for you. Another simple recommendation is to put on lotion or give yourself a massage. This may sound simple, but again it is all about you loving you. Appreciate and love yourself and the rest will follow. Your body has done you great service, so appreciate it with regular love and care.
S: Schedule time for lovemaking. In our culture we often overbook our time. We work long hours, barely have time to eat, run around taking care of others, and often skim on time that can be shared with pleasing ourselves sexually with a partner or solo. I recommend marking your calendar for weekly sessions of sexual activity. On the days that you are planning for pleasure, you might want to start with wearing lingerie to work, putting on perfume/cologne or makeup, sending a few sexy texts, and/or listening to stimulating music. Four-play doesn’t start in the bedroom – it is a progression that can begin the moment you wake up in the morning. Make time for your desire.
K: Know Your Body. There are only two parts of your body that are unable to be aroused, and those are the tip of your hair and tip of your nails because they have no nerve endings. Otherwise, your body is full of primary and secondary erogenous zones. It is important that you know what you do and don’t like. Take time and explore your body. Use different fabrics and feeling which textures work best for you; take baths/showers and giving your body a full massage; maybe explore purchasing a vibrator and lubricant to see what sensations and pulsations work for you. The key is to be open to exploration, and to know your comfort zones with exploration.
Now on to the TELL.
T: Take care of yourself. Take time for yourself. Go to your medical doctor and make sure your hormones and birth control (if applicable) are inline, and not causing any sexual dysfunction. If you are able I recommend talking to a therapist to clear up thoughts that do not serve you. Make time to relax, hang out with friends, get a manicure, massage, or just watch TV. Make time for fun! Know what fun to you is, and dedicate time for it. Low desire is often a result of poor self-care. Begin to put yourself first, and watch the desire unfold.
E: Exercise. I cannot tell you enough how important exercise is to sexual functioning. It is very important to maintain good cardiovascular health, especially men, in order to maintain good sexual functioning. Exercise and a proper diet are the two primary lifestyle choices you want to be on top of if you want to maintain a good sex life. In addition to physical exercise, I also recommend erotic exercise. Some people need a little added motivation to become stimulated. Reading romantic or erotic materials, watching erotic or provocative movies, or listening to some “bump and grind” music can all help build up your erotic muscle in your brain. Exercise, Exercise, SEXercise!!! Burn those calories inside and out of the bedroom.
L: Learn to say what you want. Setting appropriate boundaries for yourself inside and outside the bedroom is a major element of desire. If you don’t like something, say it. If you want more of something, say it. Communication is key in any relationship. The more you sacrifice yourself by not speaking up about what you want or don’t, the easier it is for your desire to fade in the bedroom and in other aspects of your relationship and life. Why create temporary gains for another person only to get long-term losses for both you and your partner? Learn to communicate effectively what you want and don’t want in the bedroom, so that you feel safe and comfortable with yourself and partner.
L: Let it go. A lot of people hold on to resentment from their job, past arguments, struggles from their day, etc., and are unable to relax when it comes time for pleasure. They are so busy thinking about the past and/or what they have to do that they find it difficult to stay in the moment. Learning to let shit go and stay in the moment is a very important motivator for sexual desire. The bedroom is made for your relaxation and enjoyment. Sex is a time to release all of the dramas of life, and be present in the here and now. It is easy to think that sex is the last thing that needs to be on your mind when you have a list of demands, but really it may be the primary thing that saves your day and allows you the peace you need to think clearly and solve problems. Let Go and Relax!
These are just a few tips for increasing your sexual desire. I hope you have fun practicing these skills, and exercising your erotic muscle.